silens-silentium

yah an incident i just recalled really irked me too.

what the fuck i’ve been treating you so nicely and one small joke involving five cents and your face turns bloody black and you start getting angry over it. $2.50 so hard to lend me is it? if i wasn’t so hard up for money you think i want to borrow? and the main thing is IT WAS A GODDAMN BLOODY MOTHERFUCKING JOKE.

get what i mean? people expect me to always be so understanding, that i must be so perfect, be able to tolerate their idiocyncracies, their selfishness, their rubbish, and so on, yet when i CRACK A JOKE, they turn on me like i backstabbed their fucking a-holes….

the anger is boiling up again.

i may sound very immature these few days but really, i cant stand the fact anymore that me going all the way out to help people is always taken for granted. someone tried to console me with karma for a better life but fuck it mani dun want karma and so on, i just want to be treated with fucking respect adn dignity, not someone to clean your shit on and leave me alone to fend for myself.

fine if no one wans to talk to me after that coz they think i got a fucked up attitude about them fine. i’m no longer going to be that tolerant. after all, the most i just sit alone, eat alone, do pe alone in school. whats the big fucking deal? its only 6 more months.

i know i’m overreacting, but that’s the only way to keep myself from boiling over in school.

ok. i dun want to be mean tonight, but then, i guess i’ll continue my mean streak tonight. still quite peeved.

firstly, the fact that certain people wrote on my chatterbox shows that they got nothing to hide. so dun worry peeps, since you all dare to reply to my entry, you all are not. after all, if you have done nothing wrong, no need to be scared that i’m targeting you right? so to those who have read my blog but not said anything, you are a potential target though i bloody hell know whu i’m referring to. i think you all should know too.

hmmz yiling is that true for all infps? helping others but not ourselves? i tend to think of it as an excuse though…. maybe we should all try to break free from the stereotypes those professional bullshitters put on us. many of those bloody so-called restrictions are self-induced: we tend to think those bastards with phd and masters and so on are always correct, so we subconsciously conform to what THEY think is the general behaviour of certain people. I’m sick of being confined, sick of being classified, sick of being judged.

not so angry now but people had better be careful around me still… i’m mentally unstable these few days.

i feel manipulated by people around me.

like a toilet bowl. expected to be in spanking clean conditions at all times yet must be able to absorb all inds of shit.

fuck off man.

Fuck.

Feeling damn fucking pissed tonight.

i wonder how i manage to help others continually even though i can’t for nuts get myself out of my own problems.

ok to tell you the truth i feel quite neglected. as in sometimes i get the feeling of those disposable stuff. use me when needed then throw me away after that.

i dun mean that everyone treats me like that larz but then i do really get that sort of feeling from many people. oh well maybe i should just stay away from them from now on. so if you see me not wanting to talk to you you what it means.

i hate hypocrisy. tell me if you find me hypocritical k. i dun mind you telling me that straight in the face.

anyway my parents are pissing me off.

feel like i’m being pulled and pushed in all directions all at once. what the hell do people expect from me? i’m not not a superhuman. neither am I Jesus Christ.

so please show me some fucking respect and spare some thoughts for me. doesn’t mean i’m keeping quiet and acting happy means i’m goddamn happy about the way things are unfolding all around me.

i’m fucking pissed.

fuck.

ok my long and nice sounding entry has just disappeared again due to a wrong click. so let me summarise in a brutally blunt way. people always complain of others putting on masks, yet they themselves put on a mask! why not someone set the example by opening up, stepping out and be his/her true self? Why hide? i know I may not be perfect, and yes i’ve all along also been hiding under masks, but i’m trying really hard to open up.

“love one another as I’ve loved you.” its a a very powerful statement. it only takes a spark to get a fire going so, oh well i hop i can inspire you all to stop hiding behind your blogs and make your feelings heard more often in school.

damn it sounds like some personal attack or sth larz…..never mind i’m not targeting anyone but if you’re unhappy with it sorry there is no refund you just have to get on with life and stop moaning about it…=)

haha…abit sarcastic there…ok…that seems to be a good summary without all the lengthy elaborations….