silens-silentium

Its 2 am in the morning. Saturday morning to be exact. I wonder why I am still not asleep. I’ve got guard duty tomorrow. So at around this time tomorrow I should be desperately trying to stay awake through watching anime on my cousin’s laptop. though why are we actually needed for guard duty, especially during the weekend, all I can type is *shrugs*. I dun see any reason, and I strongly believe its another of those “just do it” kind of SAF activity. Well reminds me of the chinese phrase xian1 zan3 hou4 zou4.

I’ve a few goals to attain by end of this year:

1. Master Jap (at least near yl’s standard)

2. Achieve a regular exercise schedule

3. Save enough money to buy the following:

a. A pair of headphones (perferably the same pair which i lost previously)

b. KGNE dvd collection. (And the ring too.)

4. Map out a rough sketch of the type of future I want, and believe in it goddamnit!

5. Find the Mitsuki in my life (thats a big HMM….)

I think I’m talking too much rubbish. Staring at the bittorrent d/l… why are they pregressing so slowly…….

I just watched Kimi Ga Nozomu Eien (KGNE) again. Quite surpriesed that, even when watching it the second time, and falling asleep during the middle 2-3 episodes in the series, I was nearly moved to tears at the end (well if not for the (un)timely sms tone from shane’s phone I would have really cried), and so wanted to cry out. In the end, I’m left with nothing but a sackload of sad feelings and an empty heart that cannot cry. Well I could, but it will not make me feel better at all. not at all.

Maybe I should watch it yet again sometime. Anyway, I was scouring the net trying to d/l the OST (I’ll buy it, but when I have spare cash…), seems that alot of KGNE viewers prefer a Maruka-Takayuki ending, and brand Mitsuki a “bitch”. I do not know why, and I do not question their feelings. Well, I jsut can’t help but feel abit peeved that these people are calling my dream girl such names. It somewhat speaks about the type of girls I like? But seriously, whats wrong with Mitsuki?

Sigh. Talking about childish fantasies again. I wonder when i’ll be able to embrace realism and wake up from dreaming? Quite weird to see that I’m oscillating from someone learned and wise to someone who lives in a dream world, and yearns for a girl who may never have existed.

I really feel very alone now.

I want to forget everything.

I really wish I could.

Maybe I’m running away, I’m trying to hide.

I just want to forget.

And to think my dream girl is an anime character.

Sigh.

*Yeah yeah usual depressed pessimistic me again*

I wonder what is happening to me.

Everything around me seems to be drawing tighter, isolating me. Even now as I type, I feel that the door to reality, the door linking me to the rest of the world, is slowing but inexorably, closing. Wonder if its the animes I’ve been watching. Seems more and more people I used to be best buddies with are drifting further and further……

Solitude? I dunno.