silens-silentium

“Admiration leads to Envy, Envy leads to Jealousy, Jealousy leads to Hatred, Hatred leads to War, War leads to nothing. Nothing leads to enlightenment, and another gets jealous. ”
-Conversations with Marc

“Sex leads to Enlightment. when you orgasm, it’s a slice of heaven. it is like a short burst of flavour.”
-A variant of the original on IRC.

“but I think i appreciate having very nice, long chats with girls of the same intellectual capability over coffee, and overlooking the sea and then fuck her brains out on the beach”
-It Really Came Out Like This! Another IRC chat log.

On another note, I don’t know why my font is like this, but it’s a refreshing change, so oh well.

I’m deciding whether to apply for USP or not.  Never mind, I have 2-3 months to think it over.

I seriously wish I had more faith in myself. Despite trying all these years, going through time after time of self-reflection and self-correction, I still find myself woefully inadequate when it comes to self-confidence, and the inability to dare to try. I’m still afraid of failure, even though not as much as before, and while I dish out advice to others in improving themselves, for some reason I’m unable to progress.

I’m just afraid of stepping out of my comfort zone I guess. After the incident in JC, where my repeated insensitive remarks led to someone bursting out on tears, I’ve trained myself to be ultra-sensitive, and perhaps, over-reading into situations where taking things on the surface would have sufficed.

Deep down inside, I’m still that little boy, with loads of passion, but with no stamina or perserverence to push things through.

Argh, this sucks. And I just promised myself yesterday that I’ll never, ever feel like this again.

I’m alternating between depression and hysteria.

Yet at the same time, I stand to one side, and wonder in amusement at my current predicament. Good job nic, I think you’re a winner.

So I got ripped off tonight again, and somehow overpaid by $40.  I have to thank those who made the overpaying less burdensome, by overpaying too.  Still, overpaying by $40 is crappy.  Real crappy.

People have asked me why I did not opt to split the bill.  Why?  Because there was no need to pass our problems over to that of the cashier.  Already the cashier (Ferlyn’s mum) was warning us that the bill was extremely messy, and at that point of time the cafe was really quite crowded, and all the bills/orders were coming in.  Why push the responsibility?

So I ended up being the dumbass.  Someone (or a group) grossly underpaid, and no one is ownin up.  I still do not rule out the possibility of them overcalculating the stuff we order, but what the fuck, that’s because no one wanted to listen to me.  When I say order, please order.  Then there will be order, and I will know very clearly if they calculated it right or not.

In any case I wasn’t expecting many people to turn up, but the turnout was gay.  In fact, so fucking gay that some customers got scared off by the size of our group (with people standing around without enough chairs and blocking the view of the screen), which pissed me off to no end?  Where was the leak?  Where was the supposed splitting of the group, between the formal wearing, and the informal wearing?

I’m ranting on probably because I am so pissed with the total lack of organisation, and with the total lack of initiative on the end of the informal group.  We told you beforehand, do not join us if you’re not wearing formal. We did not reserve that many seats.  Yet you all joined in, shamelessly, even when I pointed it out clearly. 1, then 2, then 3, then 4.  Have you ever realised about the inconveniences caused? Not just to me, or Windbell, or tsubaki, or the rest of the formal-wearing guys, but also to the cafe?  To the other patrons?  Seriously, its not as if we did not give you advance warning.  If you do not wear formal, then be prepared to split.  Don’t give lame excuses like “waiting for others to arrive”, and then when they all arrive you all refuse to split.

As I mentioned earlier, I hate it when a good relationship I have with a restaurant/cafe/stall/friend/relative/teacher/boss etc is put in danger because of the irresponsible acts of those trying to ride on the wave i’ve created, and trying to wring benefits out of it.

This will be the last time I’ll condone such a large group.  The next time there’s an info leak on such gatherings, I’ll show no mercy and tell you straight to the face “fuck off”, especially if you’re not invited, and you do not even attempt to meet the requirement.  Relationships that date back to JC and links to 1Obn will not be considered at all as mitigating factors.

I’ll take this $40 as an investment, or rather, as payment to get direct frontal seats to hear joie play the piano for 1/2 hour instead.  Which, to me, was well-worth the money, if I think of it spent this way.

In any case, tonight was bittersweet.  It was good, but it could have been so much more.  By the time I really started to do anything, the spectre of the lost $40 (which probably robs me of my money to visit cosafe next week) was already haunting me, and add on to the fact I kept getting interrupted, I can’t actually recall if I could actually finish any conversation I started at all with her.

I still feel very guilty that I had asked her to stay on (no doubt, it was her decision too to stay), and then failed to send her home afterwards.  Forget the fact that it would be many times more expensive had she not stayed, the safety factor was also at stake.  The time on the bus back home, till I received a “safely home” sms was really traumatic.

The next time this happens, no matter what happens, or who says what, I’m gonna see the person home, if indeed she stayed behind at my request.  Its not about me belittling her ability to take care of herself, rather, its about me, and how I believe that I should finish what I started personally.  I’d still like to apologise her for all the trouble.

V Day’s coming up, I’ve no date, but well, I’m available.  Anyone interested?

I can’t write now. I dunno what to write. I’m very disturbed, or maybe, I’ve been disturbed for quite a while, just that I sort of papered it up.

Things came to a head last night, when I was forced to confront myself yet again.

I dunno what to say, all I know is that I feel like smashing stuff.