silens-silentium

Since my last outburst about my own cowardice, I’ve been thinking hard about my values, my principles, especially when dealing with relationships.

I was never a player, unlike a lot of other people I know. Most of it stems from my own insecurities (another thing for another time), but my lack of constant interaction with females of my age until Junior College was also another one. I remember vaguely, that the situation was quite the contrary in pre-school. Apparently, I was such hot property that despite my sickly nature, girls would scream and fight over me. Shocked huh? I never knew why, but I do think that it was due to my brilliant grades back then. How do I know? I still have my pre-school report cards (and drawings) with me, and all I see on the report cards are 100, A+ and the like, except for drawing of course. I sucked at drawing, even then.

Upon entering primary school, I was plunged into an all-guy school, St. Stephen’s School. I don’t regret attending it one bit, despite my constant portrayals of it as a majorly fucked-up school (which it was, and that’s why it was fun). Still, it meant I was stuck with guys, and despite us becoming damn corrupted by primary 5 ( we were exchanging lewd jokes by primary 3, to give you readers some extent to the corruption), girls were, at best, like careers: knowing their existence, but something to be handled in the future.

Entering Raffles Institution was a culture shock to me: I was no longer the cream; but rather, one of the average Joe(s) in a school of brilliant talents. I remember flying out of the blocks from Day 1: I was super enthusiastic about Orientation, I generally protected my class from the bullies (even in Secondary 1 Marcus Aw was a bastard) in our neighbouring class. I admit, I was a cocky bastard, even back then. Being forced to apologize to a PSL about a joke no one understood took some of the cockiness out of me though, even though deep within I didn’t get why he was so upset about it. It was just a joke about him being gay what (Leslie was his name, and wasn’t Leslie Cheung a gay? Hur hur.)

I guess what really deflated me was a particular incident in Secondary 1, when I found out our class monitor was not doing his job at all (totally irresponsible), and actually initiated a vote of no-confidence to oust him, with the support of my form teacher. Honestly speaking, I didn’t do it to position myself in the lead for the position of class monitor, but still, I was confident that if I were given the job, I’d do it well. In fact, I believed then (and still believe now) that I had the support of my form teacher. Unfortunately, the other person who initiated the vote was chosen overwhelming by the class, with the exception of a few (who were incidentally my good friends). I was devastated, to say the least.

In fact, I was not just devastated, I was crushed. I never fully recovered from that blow. Maybe I did seem to recover, but sub-consciously, I never did. Through my secondary school life, I never again bothered to vie for another leadership position. Perhaps I resigned myself to the fact that I just wasn’t good enough to lead; it’s something I’m slowly rediscovering again, after all these years.

For some reason, it also affected my self-belief, particularly when it came to that alien species (or so I saw them then), girls. I used to attend Confirmation class, some church class I was required to attend because of my religion. Those classes were, fortunately, or unfortunately, mixed classes, so I got my exposure to that species every week. I had this heavy crush on this girl on Confirmation 2, something which fizzled out for some reason in Confirmation 4. Then I started liking another, also from my Confirmation class.

Which actually played a role in my decision to go to VJC. I think, of all those reading this, only 1 person knew this. Sad? Very. Back then, I seemed to fall for any alien species who would just talk to me. In any case, I’ll skip Junior College, which would take another post just to cover. Suffice to say, because aliens were now in my class, I slowly came to the realisation that they were actually humans, not aliens.

Still, I went through alot (an understatement actually), my confidence was battered all the way, and I think, towards the end, I actually gave up. On myself. Which showed very evidently when I first entered my new unit in National Service.

My recovery started in National Service, and I have to say, despite all my grouses, I’m really very grateful for the opportunity to have worked in the unit I was in. I started to re-discover my self-confidence there, met a great bunch of friends (both from my unit and outside), and starting believing that, perhaps, I was not worthless after all.

Of course, all through this period (Junior College year 1 to end of National Service), I consistently pined for a particular girl. I don’t know why it persisted for so long, but through it all, I guess all those thinking, re-thinking, and more re-thinking actually shaped me to what I am today. I don’t regret it one bit (okay, maybe I do, a little), even though the process was very painful, and I got teased to no end at times.

So here I am, with my confidence going back up (which was given a huge boost by my semester 1 results), being at least 10-20 years more mature than when I first stepped into Junior College, finally willing to confront the demons of the past.

Where do I go from here? I’m back on the road; no longer lost in the wilderness. I’m still a long way from the light though. Now that I’m back on the path, I suddenly seem lost. Should I be a player in the game of love, or remain the nice gentleman I am (the idealist), and hope for a happy ending like in the fairy tale? Should I continue to push on? The scars are still there; I’ll never be the idealist I once was again. The fear of pain, of failure will always be there.

It doesn’t help too, when one is thinking of whether to go all out, that one is experiencing unbelievable levels of… never mind. So how do i deal with you, oh level 10 girl?

I fear a wrong step would bring me into the darkness again, and this time I don’t know if I’ll ever recover again. But, these are early days yet. I’m keeping my fingers crossed, and hoping, hoping desperately to make that correct step.

How did this post turn out to be so emotional? I meant it as a calm analysis, but it turns out listening to other people’s insecurities has also brought out the insecure me. Oh well, I’m hoping.