silens-silentium

The word’s emotional (or emo for short) is seriously taboo to me. Each time I mention it, shit happens. I thought yesterday was bad, and that perhaps, just perhaps, today would be a great day. I was wrong.

Ignore the fact that I woke up for no apparent reason at least 3 times before my alarm clock first rang. Ignore the fact that my maid forgot to cap the bottle tightly, and caused it to leak within my water-resistant(proof) bag, causing it to fill up with water before finally dripping on my berms on the shuttle bus. Ignore me having to take the MRT with a leaking, dripping bag, wearing a wet berms that looked as if I had bladder control problems. Ignore the fact that the leak soiled my brand new reference book and ruined my notes. Ignore the fact that I got kp-ed for no reason by some uncle on the way home. Ignore all the above, and hey, maybe the day wasn’t too bad after all. Especially when I got to meet up with Suzie (who just returned from France) for lunch, and we had quite a good time talking and walking. Just like the old days huh? Thanks for the company babe.

I suspect, very strongly too, that my mood and mentality plays a heavy role in determining whether my day is good or bad. Seems that I’ve been brooding alot, and many things have not gone too well. Most of it has to do with my self-confidence.

I can’t fathom how I can be so calm, so natural, so self-assured when talking to my own circle of friends/relatives (male and female), but seem totally lost at sea when I meet someone less familiar. I mentioned to many people that perhaps, it has to do with my character, being an introvert and all. Not to mention the wall that automatically thickens when it senses things are not going well (like now), and I get the overwhelming urge sometimes to just run away and avoid facing the problem: that I somehow lack self-confidence at times, and am self-conscious (explaining my sensitivity and acute observation senses).

I really don’t know if I can ever get rid of this; it can’t even be called an idiosyncrasy, because it is not really something bad. Given this character of mine, I doubt if I’ll ever find someone who can break down all my walls. It’ll have to be someone who recognises this character of mine, takes the initiative and advantage to squeeze through the various openings (which I intentionally leave open), and be prepared to drag me from brooding, postulating and over-thinking. In essence, it’ll be someone who’s the opposite of me.

The one thing I realised is; the more I think about the concept called “love”, the less I believe in its existence. I apologise if this leads to seizures for those who subscribe to my point of view; maybe I’ll reverse my position after more thinking, but I guess the only way to understand it is to go through it itself, personally.

Wow, I’m regressing again. Time to stop brooding and get on with life, and mugging.

我愛台妹

作詞：姚中仁/張震嶽
作曲：姚中仁/張震嶽
演唱：Mc Hot Dog& 張震嶽

我的阿妹妹　快來和我跳阿哥哥
Go 我知道你看到是我　妳不會說No
我不是油頭葉教授　我的Homiez都叫我熱狗
4 Sure 女孩　就是喜歡妳台台
等等去家裡Home Pa要不要來 只怕你掛的太快
明天要去廟裡收驚拜拜 How High　We Can Kiss The Sky
人生海海　我們不會只是Stand One Night
One Night In墾丁　我留下許多精
你是我的可口可樂　幫我解渴
看我穿著就知道我玩饒舌 不用說我壞話
因為我有順風耳　如果是你肚子大我帶你去看順風婦產科

我愛台妹　台妹愛我
對我來說　林志玲算什麼
我愛台妹　台妹愛我
對我來說　侯佩岑算什麼

我不愛中國小姐　我愛台妹
萬萬歲　妳的檳榔2粒要100 好貴
有沒有含睡 如果能夠和妳共枕眠
更多更多的奶粉錢　我願意為妳貢獻
我不是愛現 請妳噴上一點點銷魂的香水
換上妳最性感的高跟鞋　人群之中
妳最亮眼 台妹來了　我是否和妳一拍即合
跟我去很多的不良場合 大家看到我都對我喊Yes Sir
因為我是公認最屌的Rapper 台妹們
麻煩和我拍拖　我不是凱子
可是付錢　也不會囉唆 純情是什麼
我不懂　我的想法很邪惡　張震嶽他懂

(Chorus)

為了妳　我可能要投資一家檳榔攤
為了妳　家裡可能要有鋼管 為了妳　我要常常下去台南
為了妳　流氓會來找我麻煩 對於帶著一點台灣味的女生
我的腎上腺素毫不考慮亮起紅燈 畢竟妳也不是天使
我也不是聖人　時尚的野獸　那就請你滾
我受夠 你是馬戲團訓練有素的Animal 所有男模
女模　你在屌什麼 我就不信你現在還有處女膜
都是凱子戳 喜歡台妹說話的口音
有時候挾帶幾句哭爸三字經 愛神的箭
你要射向哪裡　這裡 Free9 張震嶽　熱狗　這裡　等你

把手放在空中甩　我叫你什麼都不用管
讓我看你把手放在空中甩　把手放在空中甩 台妹
手放在空中甩　叫你什麼都不用管
台客　手放在空中甩　把手放在空中甩
把衣服都掀起來　把奶罩都丟上來
把衣服都掀起來　把奶罩都丟上來
把衣服都掀起來　把奶罩都丟上來
把衣服都掀起來　把奶罩都丟上來

Imba. Haha.

Always believed in the law of averages, but never did I expect it to hit so fast. A great Monday, followed by a totally shitty Tuesday. In fact, things got considerably better immediately at the stroke of 12 midnight. Talk about regression and the tendency towards averages.

Anyway, I think I sprained my left wrist slightly during badminton (or at least aggravated an old injury), got pangseh-ed by a friend because he was sick, ended up at Kbox because of an sms that was supposed to be sent out but got saved to drafts instead, spent 2 hours on 65 (Didn’t realise it was Thaipusam, and 65 cuts through the heart of Little India), over and above waiting 20 minutes for the bus (and closely behind my 65 were 2 other 65s). Not to mention the bearish outlook of the financial markets, and the tutorial allocation issue.

Was supposed to go shopping for raw materials for Vday gifts, and also get my CNY stuff done. Ended up doing neither. School jitters and pressures are catching up with me. Everyone seems to be doing so well, while me, I’m left fondling my 4.5, and just that. For the umpteenth time, I wonder if I’m biting off more than I can chew.

I think I’ll sleep this away, and hope not to dream about the 2Rs bugging me: Readings and.

Doesn’t feel that way though. CNY, as I mentioned in another post, is around the corner. Another favourite festival of mine, and well, it does seem dumb to rev the engine, only to wind it back down again almost immediately. Oh well.

Anyway, I intended to use today to do more self-reflections and perhaps do up another incisive post about my past demons, but somehow I came up with a blank. Until now. Spent time chatting with Zer0 last night about relationships, this morning again about triads and the like, chatted with Yong Yun in the evening also about relationships, chanced upon this web comic that has quite a few bright sparks to it (some of the punchlines are fucking funny), configured my new phone (Nokia E51), and basically, just lounged around. Oh, I even managed to take a nap in between.

The downside of today was the discovery that I didn’t get allocated any tutorial slots at all for my JS1101E. Well, the upside is that I managed to get my first choice for all my other tutorials, and that Stephie didn’t get allocated any slots too. So Thursday is going to be D-Day, for my JS1101E.

While speaking to the above-mentioned people, I got quite positive feedback about my reflections/insights. Perhaps the greatest endorsement was from my dad, whom I narrated a watered-down version of my reflections before he and my mum left for their dancing class, and commented that, wow, I’ve actually matured alot. Thanks for the approval dad. I’ll strive to sound older and more learned than you from now on!

Going back to the feedback, most whom I spoke to largely expressed approval on my trend of thought. This takes even more significance, when one speaks from experience, and the other is a budding psychologist. The last one, also a budding psychologist, commented that my posts were real emotional, but hey, that’s not too out of character. Thanks for the compliment, this shows that I am managing to convey my raw emotions/feelings across through words on a regular basis, something that I doubted I could previously. There are lots of other areas to work on, but at least my basic approaches and views towards love seem quite sound. BUT I HOPE I AM NOT GETTING SHITTED OR FOOLED.

Anyway, given that comment about my emotional posts set me off on a comparison spree. I went back through my archives again (at least for the last 6 months), to take a look at my previous posts, and see which post was the most emotional. All I can say is wow, I can write emotional stuff when I want to. Seems also that as a result of my (more) frequent writings, I’ve been plugging alot of the loopholes of the previous emotional articles. And yeah, I found the next topic to reflect about too: My JC life, a paradigm-shifting period I’ve always referred to, mostly briefly, but nevertheless important.

One step at a time. Rebuilding my confidence really seems like going through physical rehabilitation, I’ll just have to grit and bear with the pain, and remind myself not to succumb to the pain.

Okay back to my JS1101E readings.

P.S. Just for easy self-reference, I’ve included over here the links to some of the more emotional posts I’ve made over the last 6 months. Here, here, here, and here.