The word’s emotional (or emo for short) is seriously taboo to me. Each time I mention it, shit happens. I thought yesterday was bad, and that perhaps, just perhaps, today would be a great day. I was wrong.
Ignore the fact that I woke up for no apparent reason at least 3 times before my alarm clock first rang. Ignore the fact that my maid forgot to cap the bottle tightly, and caused it to leak within my water-resistant(proof) bag, causing it to fill up with water before finally dripping on my berms on the shuttle bus. Ignore me having to take the MRT with a leaking, dripping bag, wearing a wet berms that looked as if I had bladder control problems. Ignore the fact that the leak soiled my brand new reference book and ruined my notes. Ignore the fact that I got kp-ed for no reason by some uncle on the way home. Ignore all the above, and hey, maybe the day wasn’t too bad after all. Especially when I got to meet up with Suzie (who just returned from France) for lunch, and we had quite a good time talking and walking. Just like the old days huh? Thanks for the company babe.
I suspect, very strongly too, that my mood and mentality plays a heavy role in determining whether my day is good or bad. Seems that I’ve been brooding alot, and many things have not gone too well. Most of it has to do with my self-confidence.
I can’t fathom how I can be so calm, so natural, so self-assured when talking to my own circle of friends/relatives (male and female), but seem totally lost at sea when I meet someone less familiar. I mentioned to many people that perhaps, it has to do with my character, being an introvert and all. Not to mention the wall that automatically thickens when it senses things are not going well (like now), and I get the overwhelming urge sometimes to just run away and avoid facing the problem: that I somehow lack self-confidence at times, and am self-conscious (explaining my sensitivity and acute observation senses).
I really don’t know if I can ever get rid of this; it can’t even be called an idiosyncrasy, because it is not really something bad. Given this character of mine, I doubt if I’ll ever find someone who can break down all my walls. It’ll have to be someone who recognises this character of mine, takes the initiative and advantage to squeeze through the various openings (which I intentionally leave open), and be prepared to drag me from brooding, postulating and over-thinking. In essence, it’ll be someone who’s the opposite of me.
The one thing I realised is; the more I think about the concept called “love”, the less I believe in its existence. I apologise if this leads to seizures for those who subscribe to my point of view; maybe I’ll reverse my position after more thinking, but I guess the only way to understand it is to go through it itself, personally.
Wow, I’m regressing again. Time to stop brooding and get on with life, and mugging.