silens-silentium

After catching a movie and having a short second dinner, I took the MRT home. I had braced myself for a long and monotonous journey home, but somehow, despite taking an alternate route (which definitely took a longer time) to get home, the ride was unexpectedly fast. Too fast in fact.

In fact, most of this post was written in my mind during the journey home. While I wished the ride could have been longer, I’m really glad for the chance to take stock, and perhaps reflect a little on the past few months, which seemed to have slunk by without me really feeling it. Time really seems to go past faster the older one gets.

I guess what sparked off this was an unintentional comment by a really good friend about me. Over the second dinner, while narrating to us with his story, he had actually expressed reservations about saying the rather personal tale, because he mentioned that I was sort of a big mouth. Which wasn’t the first time he said it this week; in fact it was the second, the first being Sunday evening. I remember vividly, because I was really stung by the comments. In fact, that comment has been floating around at the back of my consciousness for the better part of the week. I don’t blame him, neither am I pissed, but truth be told, I was really saddened to hear that from him.

I was really tempted to be angry with him about it, but then I asked myself: Did what he say really have a point? If it did, why should I then be angry? In addition, am I just using the comment as a convenient outlet for your irritation at not being consulted? If so, then why must I feel irritated that I’m not consulted; do I really like always being consulted by friends?

Brutally straight questions swirling as I waved goodbye to them (I was also momentarily distracted by recognizing a pretty girl who had attended my philosophy tutorials), the answers came rather easily as I put on my earphones and starting scrolling through my ipod playlist for a suitable song to loop. maybe he did have a point; after all, I did share some supposedly secret stuff with the gang. Of course I did that with the knowledge that I trusted them, and that they wouldn’t spread it around loosely and freely. Still, I wondered if that was just an excuse to justify my anger, or something to cover up the other issue, about not being consulted?

Ever since Junior College, a large part of my life has revolved around listening to people’s thoughts and feelings, and trying to talk/advise them. In fact, it’s has sort of become the defining feature in my life. Of course, the basic point on being a listener in the first place to help them overcome their problems, so naturally I should hope that they come to me less and less, since that would mean they’re having lesser problems, or are able to cope with them well, which is good.On the other hand, during a lull period, my life does seem rather empty though. I’m deviating though; in this case, I guess being bypassed was sort of an egg in the face, but that’s personal and egoistic; my friends definitely have the choice of confiding their issues to those them deem themselves to be comfortable with. I admit to feeling a sense of purpose when I successfully help my friends, but really, I wouldn’t want them to be immersed in problems all the time.

Of course, that doesn’t take away the fact that it could have been managed with much more tact by my friend, which I have politely reminded him on a few occasions, and that really, I do keep secrets when needed to. But that is another point for another day, and really doesn’t justify my irritation/sadness.

As I pondered over these issues, I started thinking about my life the past few months. Sure, I’ve done evaluations of my Junior College life, and explored my stance towards relationships and the like, but as for reflecting about my life in general, I haven’t done that since last July. So I decided to take stock, and all I could see was: study, fun (including ps3, mahjong etc.), relationships, and friends. Which sort of explains why I feel empty during the lull periods. I think a thorough review of my goals/aims/pursuits might be in order once the semester ends. While I’ve done rather well in school thus far (or so I think), it seems that I’ve been so preoccupied that I’ve sort of lost sight of certain things I once held dear, the most important being just appreciating the little things in life.

Seemed that I reconfigured myself into a largely impervious machine when I entered university; my gaze narrow, my mind calculative (and manipulative), my talk tough, my laughter hard, my jokes caustic, and my heart full of yearning.  Was that the kind of person I genuinely wanted to be? No doubt, I’ve made new friends, fixed my eye on a few, but somehow the satisfaction is all rather physical, and transitional, and not something that connects on a deeper level. Which sort of explains why I keep looping 我不配 on the train. Guess I’m still not fit yet.
Which made me think back to the resolution made after watching 1 Liter of Tears (I feel like watching it once again): Appreciating the little things in life. As I stood waiting for the bus, my eyes opened: I saw the beautiful night sky, I took a deep breath of the fresh post-rain air, I marveled at the little unique things I saw (which included the flickering of a few streetlights along the stretch opposite Eunos MRT Station). I guess I finally smiled, and I thought to myself: The trip wasn’t really a wasted one after all, but it’ll be nice if 21 came instead of 67/28.

And 21 duly came first, even though I had to stand. A rather nostalgic ride home, since I passed by landmarks I’ve seen and recognized since primary school. Passed by my old house, and my thoughts wandered to halcyon days of the past; where I was just a kid, with simple wants and easy to satisfy.

All in all, I arrived home in a much better mood than usual, and feeling rather calm and peaceful compared to usual. Picked up Honey and Clover to read once more, and really, the richness of the story hit me even more, now that I’m in university, and well, empathize with the actions/thoughts/feelings of the characters. Am I still angry/hurt by the comment? I’d be lying if I said no, but like all clouds, it’ll eventually dissipate, and already it is disappearing. No worries.

Wondering if I should password-protect this, or restrict commenting. I guess I’ll leave it free for now. Hopefully the comments will be measured ones this time.