silens-silentium

It’s been a few days since I wrote that post, and I’d like to thank all who bothered to really talk to me seriously about it. Meant alot to me, so thanks a million!

I’ve been doing nothing much except sleeping, and watching TV, in a belated bid to recover. Through this period, I’ve also been reviewing the whole semester thus far over and over, and it’s been a sobering experience. Through this period, many things which I thought I had mastered unravelled before my eyes, and I had to rebuild them from scratch. My self-confidence took a battering too, I’ve not completely recovered, but I believe I will, and this time, it’d be tempered by a sense of maturity.

I entered this semester with a very nice gameplan: Club and academics. Having taken on the presidency, I realized that I was already entering unchartered territories. Way out of my comfort zone. As such, I told myself to focus, and to hold off everything else, including relationships, until I managed to juggle both club and studies well. Those reading this entry would know that it never materialized. For whatever reason, I ended up liking someone, and against my plans, I decided to take action, and had to spend the rest of the semester then trying to cope with the fallout, together with club and academics.

Since JC, I’ve oftened wondered what it meant to love someone. Through the subsequent years I approached it logically; believing that being attracted irrationally only meant having a crush, while liking someone meant you appreciated his/her good qualities, and finally loving someone meant accepting him/her totally, faults included. I guess what I went through subsequently was a sobering experience which proved that I was correct, but only partially. Logic can only explain it so far; I remember there were many times where logic told me to do something, only for my emotions to colour my perception, and I ended up doing something else. Above all there’s something I did that I’ll always regret, because that was done with the intention of hurting, and the subsequent guilt has always haunted me, regardless of whether I did actually cause hurt (in fact, that’s irrelevant). This semester, I’ve mentioned on many occasions that I’ve finally found someone who could read my mind; and subsequently, added to it, that that someone completed me. If anyone were to ask me why, I’d be unable to reply, but I guess it’s through those interactions we had, those glimpses, that gave me that feeling. Yes, love is logical, but it’s more than logical I guess.

I’ve done many things for this girl this semester, things I’ve never actually dared to do previously. I’ve tried very hard, over the past 2 months, to narrow the gap, to break down that wall. There were glimpses, but all in all, I never got very far. It really takes 2 hands to clap, and if the other doesn’t want to, sooner or later, I’d have to recognise and respect her wishes. It’s not as if I’m giving up, very much to the contrary. I still like you alot, more than when I first told you that I did, but rather than to continue to try, I believe it’s time to hold still and to wait, as I promised you then. Anytime you want to reach out, my hand will always be there. But until then, I’ll wait, patiently and continue to look out for you, silently.

It’s a bit too late to rescue my semester, but there’s still time, and I’m glad that I still had enough strength in me back then to at least survive through the majority of the presentations and term papers relatively unscathed. In addition, despite the distractions, the club seems to be doing alright. The situation isn’t too bad, after all, thanks to all my project mates, and to those assisting me at the club. There are of course concerns at the back of my head, especially things like my career prospects, family’s financial situation and expectations on me, but I’ll manage, somehow.

I wish I’d never have to go through something like this semester again, but I don’t regret it, especially when I’ve learnt, and matured so much. Not to mention finally understanding what it means to really like someone.

I’m still wondering who exactly reads my blog.

I really don’t know what I’m doing anymore.

I’m tired to my bones, and while I’m not exactly sick yet I don’t know how long I can keep up.

I don’t look sick? Of course I don’t, or haven’t, because I can’t. I always reassure people that I’d be fine with some rest, but I haven’t been getting any. Is this a rant? Sure it is, because I’m sick of everything, and I just want to retreat into my comfort zone right now.

I guess I’ve been an idiot for consistently trying to bang down a huge wall with my head, and the result? Constant migraines, headaches, and backaches. I doubt there are even scratches on the wall to show for my efforts.

I sometimes wish I could have just given up after what happened last month, which of course would never have happened, no matter how many times I’m allowed to relive it. What happened was the exact opposite; I started liking you even more. Even now, I still like you very, very much, but I’m so tired.

I’ve always known that taking up position of president would have repercussions on my social life, which is why I hesitated for so long. There were certain things that I would definitely have done/not done were I not the president, which might/might not have changed things, but the fact remains that I feel very guilty about it. Necessity is not a mitigating factor; it’s just a scar that I’ll have to live with.

All this while, I’ve been hoping that somehow I’d see a spark somewhere. I’ve gone on the initiative for over 2 months now, but till now it’s always been one way. From lunches to even initiating conversations, it’s always me. I’ve always thought that perhaps it’s the personality, the character, that you were just passive. Still, it can’t be totally one-way forever.

I’m really tired, I don’t know what to do anymore. I guess I’ll stop till I see some form of initiative from you. In fact, I don’t even know if you’re talking to me all this while purely because I am the president, and it’s this possibility that hurts the most.

I’ve disabled comments for this post; if anyone would like to talk to me about it, there’s always MSN, email or gtalk.