I really don’t know what I’m doing anymore.
I’m tired to my bones, and while I’m not exactly sick yet I don’t know how long I can keep up.
I don’t look sick? Of course I don’t, or haven’t, because I can’t. I always reassure people that I’d be fine with some rest, but I haven’t been getting any. Is this a rant? Sure it is, because I’m sick of everything, and I just want to retreat into my comfort zone right now.
I guess I’ve been an idiot for consistently trying to bang down a huge wall with my head, and the result? Constant migraines, headaches, and backaches. I doubt there are even scratches on the wall to show for my efforts.
I sometimes wish I could have just given up after what happened last month, which of course would never have happened, no matter how many times I’m allowed to relive it. What happened was the exact opposite; I started liking you even more. Even now, I still like you very, very much, but I’m so tired.
I’ve always known that taking up position of president would have repercussions on my social life, which is why I hesitated for so long. There were certain things that I would definitely have done/not done were I not the president, which might/might not have changed things, but the fact remains that I feel very guilty about it. Necessity is not a mitigating factor; it’s just a scar that I’ll have to live with.
All this while, I’ve been hoping that somehow I’d see a spark somewhere. I’ve gone on the initiative for over 2 months now, but till now it’s always been one way. From lunches to even initiating conversations, it’s always me. I’ve always thought that perhaps it’s the personality, the character, that you were just passive. Still, it can’t be totally one-way forever.
I’m really tired, I don’t know what to do anymore. I guess I’ll stop till I see some form of initiative from you. In fact, I don’t even know if you’re talking to me all this while purely because I am the president, and it’s this possibility that hurts the most.
I’ve disabled comments for this post; if anyone would like to talk to me about it, there’s always MSN, email or gtalk.