silens-silentium

After the stress of the term papers and the presentation; I came to the realization that the time spent doing term papers, and preparing for the presentation, was the happiest time spent in a long while. By being so important, it allowed me to block off everything else, and just focus on the papers. While not entirely satisfied with the papers as usual, I think given the time spent on both papers, they are rather decent.

Was very silent and edgy throughout the evening just now. Maybe I’m just tired, which I am. Physically, it’s because of the overwork the past few days. Mentally though, it’s been coming for a long time. As for emotional and psychological, I get this sinking feeling that I’m regressing back to those dark days back in JC.

I’m really tired. I need a few days off; away from school, away from the club, away from all my friends, away from my family, away from all commitments and relations. I’m too far out from my comfort zone; and it’s freezing out here. I’d like to spend some time in that reassuring warmth of the comfort zone, before going out into the blizzard again.

I’d love to take a slow leisurely walk along the sandy beaches of Redang now; recline and busk under the warmth of the sun as I nap; sip my drink alone in the pub in the evenings and sing the blues away, camp out under the stars at the beach and shout all my worries and frustrations away, and finally, lie contentedly on the bed and enjoy a deep, dreamless sleep.

My batteries are really running dry; I’m suddenly finding myself very human, fragile and susceptible to breakdowns. Not nervous breakdowns per say, but just losing control of my emotions one fine day. Ironic, when over the past few weeks I’ve desperately been trying to maintain control over my emotions and thoughts, and they just grow more wild and defiant.

Theories of non-action, and as Laozi might add, see I told you. I’m going back to school again tomorrow; its just another hectic day ahead. I wish I could be pampered for once, spoonfed for once, be allowed to act spoilt for once, be allowed to be childish and immature, and be the passive party for once.

Edit:

Another sign of regression: I haven’t whined like this in a long while. Weakling. In any case, I guess I’m going to lunch alone tomorrow. Time to catch up with myself, since I’m unwilling to ask people out to lunch, and no one is ever likely to ask me out to lunch anyway (at least for tomorrow).