silens-silentium

A gargantuan past; the oppressive shadow; the long rehabilitation.

The effects of the cancer was spreading. The consequence of my steadfast refusal to heed the doctor’s advice to do an amputation. I could never do without it, I argued with the doctor, it was my life, my heart, and my soul. And so, the die was cast: I had made my decision and would be ready to deal with the consequences.

It was always going to be a losing battle; nothing I did could reverse the situation. In fact, it had started to affect my lifestyle; confidence eaten away by doubt, enthusiasm replaced by lethargy, priorities blinded by mindless brooding. It was then that a friend introduced me to running: While running could not reverse the situation, it could however, help to stop the rot, and even set the foundation for recovery. What happened however, was that I adopted running in both senses of the word: physically and metaphorically. I started running: both as an activity and as a means of escapism.

So started the escapist lifestyle: I ran away from my old life. Cut my ties, packed my bags and moved away to start afresh. It seemed to help for a while, at the least. My condition improved somewhat, my moods generally improved. But these were all superficial; the cancer was still festering, and I knew deep down within, that the true rehabilitation would only come by facing my inner demons. Yet despite knowing this, I continued to numb myself through a cocktail of painkillers, administered through gaming, and later, movies. Several alternative sources of treatment that were supposedly non-invasive were considered, but ultimately failed to work. The reason? For them to have worked, the cancer part first had to be removed.

The operation procedure, while really simple, was actually extremely painful for the patient. The recovery rate is over 90%, although it must be said that have chosen not to go ahead with this procedure and opt for other methods instead. As mentioned above, many of these so-called methods do not actually target the cancer: they either support the rehabilitation process, or merely suppress the symptoms and effects, which in the long run has proven to be rather fatal.

After so long, I decided to stop running away and seek treatment. The first step of the procedure, I was told, was to prepare myself mentally. This was done through facing-off with my inner demons, first through revisiting old sites and past writings. I have to admit was really painful, and till now I find it rather hard to talk about it, but fortunately, I still could rely on my cocktail of painkillers when needed.

The second step involved removal of the cancer itself, which required a recognition of the facts and accepting the new reality. The side effects are really painful. Have you ever felt yourself bursting in agony, unable to articulate those silent screams for help? It felt just like that, being unable to articulate those silent screams. Or maybe, those screams were articulated, and that no one really bothered to really pay close attention. I didn’t need to know how to stop/reduce the agony, all I needed was for someone to recognize that agony, and support me through it. It’s perhaps the hardest and least understood part of the cancer treatment, and is something that is really disappointing. Expectations, no matter how miniscule, are always set up for disappointment.

While I’m not so ready in accepting the new reality, the worst is over. The cancer is removed, and I’ve resolved to live a much better life than before. A re-ordering of priorities, of friendships and of outlooks. The path to rehabilitation and transformation is just beginning though. Old habits and side-effects are extremely hard to shake off.

Hopefully this blog post marks another positive step towards successful rehabilitation.