silens-silentium

March 18, 2010

??

Filed under: Life — Nicholas @ 9:46 am

There are alot of things I’d like to write and talk about, but for some reason I seem to have lost the ability to express these thoughts and feelings.

It’s as if my inner and outer self are now speaking totally different languages, and that somehow, during the translation (from inner to outer), the meaning/significance is lost. It’s a totally frustrating feeling.  Writing wasn’t this tough previously.

In addition, there’s this lethargy within me that refuses to go away. Unlike previous semesters, the urge to stay home instead of hanging out in school seems overwhelming, such that I’m hardly around in school at all.  In addition, there’s  a total lack of motivation towards studies, which is vaguely alarming. However, I’m… just indifferent to it.

I wonder what’s causing this malaise within me. Sigh.

February 8, 2010

Sleepless Nights

Filed under: Life, Musings — Nicholas @ 3:15 am

I just can’t seem to get to bed. 4am, 5am, 5am, 3am.

It’s not that I’m not tired, or that I drank tea, or woke up late or anything. It’s just that I feel the need to… wait.

Waiting for something to happen.

November 20, 2009

Calm before the storm

Filed under: Life, Musings — Nicholas @ 1:14 am

I don’t like to speak in cryptic terms, but to be honest, I don’t quite know how else to put it too.

It’s a hunch actually, but I feel a major storm is incoming. I don’t really know how to place it, but it’s just a sixth sense. It’s one of the few real lucid moments for me, so I’m penning it down here for myself, or anyone who reads this blog, to take note and move away before the storm hits.

Worried? Of course I am, particularly when I haven’t been too sharp lately. But what can I do? Que sera sera I guess, and if I can’t avoid the storm, then I’ll just have to sit tight and ride it out. Sigh.

July 10, 2009

First cut always the deepest

Filed under: Issues Close to Heart, Life — Nicholas @ 2:13 am

12 years ago, back in 1997, when I was still an immature boy in the midst of experimentation (no by then I was not naive anymore), just past 11 years of age, something wondrous happened. I guess this was a key factor leading to the end of my experimental ways and habits, and it’s something I’ll never forget till I die. Been thinking about it alot these few days. Will talk more about it later.

Ever heard people talk about love at first sight? Or read about it? All the cheesy terms about it, the “attraction”, the “electrical charge” etc. It’s abit hard to believe, unless of course, you’ve experienced it for yourself. For me, it was not strictly my first sight of her, but that moment was it. Indescribable feelings, soaring, tumbling, freewheeling, like an endless diamond sky… (actually that’s A Whole New World from Aladdin). If I had to describe it, I’d say the spout the same cheesy nonsense.

My first crush. My first love. One, which till now I naively believe to be mutual, at least back then. I guess this would go on to play a major influence in my choices and in my actions from then till now. Somehow, I guess I’m still striving for that perfect moment, that instinctive feeling that says, yes, this is it!

Yeah, now I sound like a naive little boy.

What has happened to her since then? Two different worlds. While I stayed, and am still stuck in Singapore, she was never more of a global person. From a neighbouring country, stayed briefly for a few years, left for Shanghai, then US to further her studies. Back in JC, when I still harboured ideals of Stanford and the sunny beaches of California, I dreamed of actually crossing worlds to join her in the US. I even made a promise to her back then. Reality, then NS intervened.

That was 5-6 years ago, back in JC. Fast forward to 2009, a slightly more mature, more realistic me. And she’s back. From outer space. For a visit. So much has happened, so much has changed.

Yeah.

July 4, 2009

Dreams?

Filed under: Life, TV/Movie Serial Reviews/Thoughts — Nicholas @ 1:23 pm

I nearly titled it “The greener grass”. Then I thought, no it’s not really true; I’ve been dreaming for that.

What am I referring to? I’m referring to Chuck, the modern day fantasy-adventure for all geeks. In my internship presentation yesterday, I had listed my aspirations to be a national hero, and I wasn’t joking. I’ve always hated being a cog, a wheel in the whole system: The normal guy with a normal job, with a normal uninteresting life. I mean, there’s so much time to be normal, when one is like in his 60s and happily retired.

I guess the fact that I always knew Chuck would come out on top for all the danger situations he was in obscures much, while the fact that he gets to work with, and eventually get romantically involved with a very hot, intelligent and nice girl also makes things look much better. Having said that, I’m still not content with a life of mediocrity.

Older Posts »

Powered by WordPress