“I thought what I’d do was, I’d pretend I was one of those deaf-mutes.”
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It’s been a long time since I updated my blog.
The comfort zone feels so safe. 1 more month to the start of a new semester.
People often ask me, as I often ask them, if I am enjoying the holidays. I always avoid giving a reply, but instead talk about how busy I am and stuff. The answer is no, but I’m glad to have a few friends around for company, especially when one feels like retreating further into the comfort zone.
Seems almost like a dream actually.
Even though I’m still rather sick, I’ve just been loving this slacking.
As usual, I’ve a ton of stuff to say but I don’t know where to start. In fact, I’m rather reluctant to start work actually, if not for the fact that I’m sort of running low in cash.
I’ve decided to stay silent.
Thanks to the two whom I spoke to, you know who you are, the silent readers of this blog. Remember to refer me to this post should I ever waver or regret it.
Pain? Hurt? Well if you’ve had an aching shoulder for a long time, you just get used to it.
I’ve got 2 papers to study for tomorrow, and here I am, trying to sort out my thoughts once again about relationships and love. It’s a question I’ve visited and revisited again and again, and the more I think about it, the more I do not understand it. Yet, I really do want to experience it.
The more I think of it, the more it seems as if love is just a manisfestation of the chemicals within one’s body, i.e. biological reaction or mating call. I refuse to accept it, even though sometimes it seems that this way of thinking is correct. I’ve always envisioned love to be more than physical; yes sexual gratification is always nice, but then again, should it be the only determining factor? Yet I myself struggle to look past that sometimes; perhaps I’m asking too much when I look for physical, spiritual and emotional gratification in a relationship; i.e. that sense of closeness and one-ness, not unlike one Rika had with her dearly departed husband (to draw an example from Honey and Clover).
Then again, there’s the different manifestations of love to deal with. I remember laying foundation number 1 in my first deliberations about love: That essentially, when you love someone, you’ll wish for her happiness always. Taken in this context, relationships is just a possible ending; i.e. the ultimate happy ending out of the rest. It should be something natural, not something forced, which explains my scorn for playing “the game”, and my insistence that the best relationships are those built on a solid foundation of friendship and understanding. Then again, ending up as “best buddies”, “besties”, “brothers” is also another alternative. Is it a happy ending? I don’t know. People tell me to “go for it”, chase that girl, confess to her. But how do I do it, when all I can sense from the other party is that of a close friendship? I mean, maybe I’m just a coward who doesn’t dare to confess, but then again, I’m not willing to possibly jeopardize my relationship forged over the years, just because I want to feel good/happy; or because I think I can make her happy. I believe that if she feels the same way, there will be signs; without those signs, I think taking any other action would just be forcing it.
On the other hand, while one is supposed to feel happy when she feels happy because you truly love her and want her to be happy, then again, this so-called “happiness” always comes in the form of sadness, pain, loneliness. Perhaps this is because men (as in homo sapiens) are selfish creatures, and would always want to have the happiest endings they crave. This contradiction between my wants, and my ideals is really ripping me apart.
I guess in the end, all I want is for my feelings to be acknowledged; regardless of the ending. I don’t know, I’ve never confessed to anyone and (as such) never got rejected before, but it’d be nice, really nice, if the person I confessed to can really see things this way, regardless of the ending.
Okay, I’ve worked it out. It still hurts deep inside at the moment, but there’s nothing much I can do now. Except cry, which I won’t.
I don’t know how long I can hold out. Each time the question is asked, I’ve found it harder to find a light-hearted reply. I guess the each time the question was popped, it was in jest. Then again…
I’m sorely tempted to look you in the eye earnestly, and say yes. But I’m just a good friend.
First paper tomorrow, and here I am pondering over such “trivial matters”.