silens-silentium

I’ve decided to stay silent.

Thanks to the two whom I spoke to, you know who you are, the silent readers of this blog. Remember to refer me to this post should I ever waver or regret it.

Pain? Hurt? Well if you’ve had an aching shoulder for a long time, you just get used to it.

I’ve got 2 papers to study for tomorrow, and here I am, trying to sort out my thoughts once again about relationships and love. It’s a question I’ve visited and revisited again and again, and the more I think about it, the more I do not understand it. Yet, I really do want to experience it.

The more I think of it, the more it seems as if love is just a manisfestation of the chemicals within one’s body, i.e. biological reaction or mating call. I refuse to accept it, even though sometimes it seems that this way of thinking is correct. I’ve always envisioned love to be more than physical; yes sexual gratification is always nice, but then again, should it be the only determining factor? Yet I myself struggle to look past that sometimes; perhaps I’m asking too much when I look for physical, spiritual and emotional gratification in a relationship; i.e. that sense of closeness and one-ness, not unlike one Rika had with her dearly departed husband (to draw an example from Honey and Clover).

Then again, there’s the different manifestations of love to deal with. I remember laying foundation number 1 in my first deliberations about love: That essentially, when you love someone, you’ll wish for her happiness always. Taken in this context, relationships is just a possible ending; i.e. the ultimate happy ending out of the rest. It should be something natural, not something forced, which explains my scorn for playing “the game”, and my insistence that the best relationships are those built on a solid foundation of friendship and understanding. Then again, ending up as “best buddies”, “besties”, “brothers” is also another alternative. Is it a happy ending? I don’t know. People tell me to “go for it”, chase that girl, confess to her. But how do I do it, when all I can sense from the other party is that of a close friendship? I mean, maybe I’m just a coward who doesn’t dare to confess, but then again, I’m not willing to possibly jeopardize my relationship forged over the years, just because I want to feel good/happy; or because I think I can make her happy. I believe that if she feels the same way, there will be signs; without those signs, I think taking any other action would just be forcing it.

On the other hand, while one is supposed to feel happy when she feels happy because you truly love her and want her to be happy, then again, this so-called “happiness” always comes in the form of sadness, pain, loneliness. Perhaps this is because men (as in homo sapiens) are selfish creatures, and would always want to have the happiest endings they crave. This contradiction between my wants, and my ideals is really ripping me apart.

I guess in the end, all I want is for my feelings to be acknowledged; regardless of the ending. I don’t know, I’ve never confessed to anyone and (as such) never got rejected before, but it’d be nice, really nice, if the person I confessed to can really see things this way, regardless of the ending.

Okay, I’ve worked it out. It still hurts deep inside at the moment, but there’s nothing much I can do now. Except cry, which I won’t.

I don’t know how long I can hold out. Each time the question is asked, I’ve found it harder to find a light-hearted reply. I guess the each time the question was popped, it was in jest. Then again…

I’m sorely tempted to look you in the eye earnestly, and say yes. But I’m just a good friend.
First paper tomorrow, and here I am pondering over such “trivial matters”.

I swear my parents are going to drive me nuts one day. One talks about philosophy of life everyday but doesn’t apply whatever he spouts, the other nags and me non-stop, the more I let her nag the more she nags; the moment I retaliate she says goes on about me being an unfilial son. Yeah I know they care, but seriously, when your son is sleeping almost all the time, and those times he does not spend sleeping he is either out or acting like a zombie in front of a computer, compared to all those previous times in the past weeks where there’s a book or coursepack situated in front of him, you should know that something is very wrong with your son. Especially when the papers start next week. Then again, everyone has their own lives, so I don’t expect them to really know, minimally, just don’t start trying to dump their discomfort/woes on me too, because then I’ll retaliate, being the motherfucker I am.

This is not to mention that I’ve been having really weird dreams recently about getting very bad grades for all my group term papers. Will the results of the term papers be out sometime this week? I don’t know, but until they’re out, I believe I’ll not be able to stop obsessing myself over it.

Anger management on top of trying to get into the studying mood. My shoulder feels damn heavy, and I really feel damn alone. Should I start to re-assess my expectations, like what many have told me, except that, I start with my studies, and give up on a CAP 5.0 this semester instead?

That being said, I do aim to finish my readings for PS2245 finally today, and also finish the general revision (including the summarizing) for JS1101E. If my term paper partner is reading, I need your notes please please please please. Thanks.

Who do you love? Why do I love? For (more than) sentimental reasons I guess.

Or whatever that means.

In any case, this is the third time I’m posting something. I really need to get down to studying. Not to say I lack motivation, with my eye on the scholarship and so on, but I just feel de-motivated. Exams commence the week after next, and I have not started at all.

It’s not as if I’ve had a particularly good semester in terms of class participation or something. Or that my grades have been consistently good. Still…

I went to church like the good pious boy I am (after being forcefully awakened by my dad three times and being reminded to go church), and I told God “3 more years… and you’ll have me.”

I really hope I’ll never have to hit that day where I am forced to decide whether to keep my vow or not, because I wouldn’t know what to do. All my life I’ve been enthralled by romance stories with happy endings, and I guess you could say it has been my ambition to be involved in one myself, good ending or not.

Okay I’m deviating again, yeah I need to study. This is precisely the reason why I can’t study. Someone help me please.