silens-silentium

12 years ago, back in 1997, when I was still an immature boy in the midst of experimentation (no by then I was not naive anymore), just past 11 years of age, something wondrous happened. I guess this was a key factor leading to the end of my experimental ways and habits, and it’s something I’ll never forget till I die. Been thinking about it alot these few days. Will talk more about it later.

Ever heard people talk about love at first sight? Or read about it? All the cheesy terms about it, the “attraction”, the “electrical charge” etc. It’s abit hard to believe, unless of course, you’ve experienced it for yourself. For me, it was not strictly my first sight of her, but that moment was it. Indescribable feelings, soaring, tumbling, freewheeling, like an endless diamond sky… (actually that’s A Whole New World from Aladdin). If I had to describe it, I’d say the spout the same cheesy nonsense.

My first crush. My first love. One, which till now I naively believe to be mutual, at least back then. I guess this would go on to play a major influence in my choices and in my actions from then till now. Somehow, I guess I’m still striving for that perfect moment, that instinctive feeling that says, yes, this is it!

Yeah, now I sound like a naive little boy.

What has happened to her since then? Two different worlds. While I stayed, and am still stuck in Singapore, she was never more of a global person. From a neighbouring country, stayed briefly for a few years, left for Shanghai, then US to further her studies. Back in JC, when I still harboured ideals of Stanford and the sunny beaches of California, I dreamed of actually crossing worlds to join her in the US. I even made a promise to her back then. Reality, then NS intervened.

That was 5-6 years ago, back in JC. Fast forward to 2009, a slightly more mature, more realistic me. And she’s back. From outer space. For a visit. So much has happened, so much has changed.

Yeah.

I’m finding it harder to write something for this blog. The only reason why I’m typing this post is because: 1) I’m broke, 2) My desktop’s dead, 3) My GH:WT drumset is dead, 4) I’m feeling incredibly frustrated by nothing (translates to mean a long series of niggling things that irritate me).

Just returned from supper, which I thought would brighten my mood, but instead added to my frustrations. The choice of music (pseudo-techno remixes of the most irritating C-pop songs around) at the HK cafe certainly contributed to my irritation to a large degree. More crucially however, the disturbing observations I made over the course of supper was itself a source of frustration. For one, Guy Y was totally quiet during the first part of the conversation, which centred around real life happenings. Secondly, Guy W was shut out of the conversation (more than usual) throughout supper, only being allowed space to agree/disagree and make short supplementary phrases. Thirdly, Guy K and Guy Y kept interjecting each other continually during the second part of the conversation, which centred around L4D. Fourthly, the conversation had to steer towards L4D for Guy Y to become active, which was also very disturbing. Fifthly, I was increasingly disturbed by the fact that I was picking out such trends so easily, and that I semi-belonged to either side of the conversation, or more bluntly, on neither side of the conversation at all.

Perhaps I wasn’t as observant before, but it seemed disturbing to me that a supper group which used to be able to talk about everything and anything, now had people feeling left out of the conversation. Seems that either the people in the supper group have changed, or I have changed. Maybe both. Either way, it feels like I’m drifting.

Drifting where? I do not know either. Results this semester have been atrocious, by my standards. Others would have been very happy with the results I got, but the very fact that my CAP descended so much was really a cause of worry for me. It’s not too late to pull it back up, but I’ll have to work much harder in the remaining semesters. While results did not factor into my decision to quit the club and the community totally, it did strengthen my resolve to stick to the decision. To be brutally honest, the things that I’d gone through the past year sapped all my resolve and determination. What debt I owed to the community has now been repaid. Armchair critics, immaturity, total inability to shoulder responsibility, petty egoistic politicking; all these behaviour disgusted me to no end.  It still goes on, right at this moment, and I’m sick and tired of it. No point sacrificing other aspects of my life to fight a losing battle. I do sympathise greatly with my successor though, because the task he has before him, to continue with the rebuilding and at the same time focus on expansion, will be even tougher. I hope this experience does not sink him.

Work so far has also been rather unsatisfying. I had entered the internship hoping for a rigorous, but satisfying internship, one that would make me feel as if I was really contributing something useful. I’ve been very polite with my responses about my thoughts on the internship thus far, but to be brutally honest, it’s a major source of my irritation and frustration. The interns are really fun people, but apart from that, it really feels like a regular school term with paid allowance and more restrictions. I don’t mind writing papers, nor do I mind doing intensive research, but how am I to do research when I’m stuck in the office with very limited internet access, and with very limited material to refer to? If academic work is needed, and all we do during office hours is part time guiding only twice a week, I really do think that much more time should be given for us to conduct research, rather than just keeping us in office on the lame excuse that we could also do readings in office. Which never ever happens, because all we do is end up playing table tennis. Quite bitterly disappointed. Add to the fact that I’m the only person doing something really related to Political Science, which no one really can help me on, and it only adds to it.

On the relationship front, there’s nothing new happening at the moment. Girls? Shrugs. Either away on holiday or on complicated (break/no break?) status.

Which is why couch potato weekend comes in handy I guess. To take time to really think and review things over.  Stepping down means another chapter of my life is over, deciding to walk away from the community totally is another. Unsatisfying work (seems like I’m just hanging on for the enticement of money) adds to this sense of unhappiness and emptiness. Awkward suppers make me feel alien (sorry guy W, really appreciate the treat but yeah). So here I am, blogging it out, and not feeling much better. Quarter life crisis I guess.

The Siege and Failure to Launch was nice though. Especially Failure to Launch, suprisingly. Typically cliche hollywood romance does have therapeutic effects after all. And Sarah Jessica Parker looked absolutely hot in the movie.