silens-silentium

I guess this is way overdue, but it seems that a mixture of bad timing and lack of inspiration have conspired to hold this post back till now. Even now, I’m not sure if I can do justice to perhaps one of the most significant years to have passed me by. Even taking into account my procrastinating nature, this review really is late.

My friend just linked me to a facebook note of a lower secondary school classmate. A birthday note, it was addressed to his 16 year old self, and detailed the major milestones and events that he would encounter in the coming years. Apart from the fact that it was excellently written, it was also very heartfelt and honest, and it sort of resonated with me. Not the content, but rather how it was a reflection of his personal growth, and maturity. I still remember the more mundane times in the past though, where the trio of us (the other guy is now some handsome buff dude happily attached to a rather hot babe in NTU) would go home (at least halfway) together, and chat about life. I kind of miss those times, where I was still naive, idealistic, and my worldview rather narrow. Have I grown up since then? I guess you could say so.

Since the moment I entered university, I’ve told people that while I was merely just past 20 years of age, I felt 40 instead. Therefore, if I felt 40 at the start of 2008, right at the end I felt like I was both 70 and 18 at once. 70 because of the world-weariness, and 18 because of the emotional hole I had dug myself into, which really was reminiscent of my junior college days.

2008 started off rather innocently though. Okay, scratch that. I met this girl on the 31st of December, and for no explicable reason, ended having a crush on her. This meant that I did a lot of silly, good-friend things for her. I’m chuckling as I write this, because it’s a wonder why I would even like her. Definitely a case of misplaced good-friend feeling. I’m pretty sure she’ll be reading this post, so if you’re reading this post, I’m glad to have met a good friend like you, too bad it’s not the type with benefits. Heh. It ended rather quickly, when compared to past ones.

On the academic front, the first signs of my fallibility were showing. A proposal paper that I submitted was thrown back, with the lecturer warning that it merely warranted a C, given it’s contents. Which riled me totally, since it was just a proposal. The brutal comments got me fired up though, and I ended up getting an A for that paper. It was a group paper too, by the way. 1 of 2 group papers I had to do. As a result of my focus on this group paper, I sort of neglected the other group paper, of which we had to do a presentation too. I was really confident of my presentation skills back then, given that I had done a few outstanding ones the previous semester, and my project mates seemed rather steady so I wasn’t too worried. Initially. As time went by though, it seemed that something was wrong. The paper wasn’t shaping up properly. We ended up getting a B+ for that paper, and I was rather peeved at myself for neglecting it somewhat, even though the feeling was slightly assuaged by me getting an A for that module. As for overall results, I guess I got lucky once more, and despite more last minute work, I managed to pull my CAP up instead. Still, I should have heeded the tell-tale signs more closely.

As for the club, I was getting increasingly frustrated, and I didn’t really know who to place the blame for the slump on. The members’ gathering was pathetic, whatever actitivities we organized seemed to cater exclusively to the exco personnel, and the flagship event of the club, Graphite, was going badly. I felt very guilty for pushing for the deal with the magazine, which later folded, and left us stranded. It was a combination of this guilt, and my frustration, which eventually led me to decide to run for the chair for 08/09, and also explains why I’m so concerned with Graphite. Even now.

Year 1 ended on a relatively good note. Results were good, and I was elected uanimously as the chair for 08/09. I remember sitting behind two people during that meeting, two people who would eventually play go on to play defining roles in the club, and it was then too, that I realized that I liked to see her smile.

The May/Jun period also marked a watershed decision for me. After 5 years, I was finally forced to stop running away from the on-off liking I had for this very dear friend of mine. Back then I remembered feeling very troubled over it, because she would be leaving for overseas studies soon. Looking back, I’m glad I made the decision not to say anything, and to accept the relationship as it currently was.  We’ve grown much closer since then as friends, and she’s been my pillar of support and solace, especially through the dark times later on. If you’re reading this, thank you, for always bothering to keep in touch, and for being so understanding all this while. Until we’re 27 then. 

Because it was the summer holidays, I couldn’t really do much to re-structure the club. Graphite continued to be stuck in limbo, the bazaar preparations were almost at a standstill, and everyone was basically just… busy. Looking back, it sort of set the tone for the period to come. I did enjoy the short trip to Redang though. It’s a really beautiful place, and I hope it stays that way. Summer holidays ended with me re-evaluating everyone on my team, and reassigning them where appropriate. A few stood out in this re-evaluation, but sadly most have not been able to deliver, even until now. I understand the difficulty in reviving a club that has been lifeless for the past few years, but without continuous and unceasing efforts, there’ll never ever be an upturn in fortunes.

From the way the review is going, you probably would have been able to sense that something bad would be occurring soon. I anticipated it to arrive, but not in the way/form it took. After making that watershed decision in Jun, I told myself sternly that in the coming academic year, I would not allow myself to get involved in relationships of any sort, given that managing the club and studies alone would take up most, if not all my concentration. I knew my own limitations, and any more would put everything at risk. Yet on the other hand, of the 3 goals I had set for myself when I entered university (aka my 07/08 resolutions): 1) Getting onto Dean’s List (and scoring at least 4.5), 2) Getting into a leadership position, 3) Getting a girlfriend; 2 of them were already fulfilled. On hindsight, the lack of setting new goals and aims, and my conscious attempts to push goal 3 out of my mind somehow led me to seek it subconsciously. Or maybe, the spark of attraction was just there all the while. I don’t exactly know, perhaps it’s a combination of all 3.

In any case, my confidence back then was riding high, and given that situation, I was primed for a fall.

Was it the bazaar? Or was it the weekend dinner the week before? I don’t know, I really don’t know. Was I attracted? Yes. Was it mutual? Maybe, probably. All I know now, looking back, is that I ended up being influenced to act rashly, irrationally and selfishly. I won’t absolve myself of any blame, because if I wasn’t selfish at all, I wouldn’t have done what I did, whatever the provocation, but it is undeniable that I was provoked. Subsequent actions in the next few months only made things worse, despite making attempts at repair. I remember, when I finally decided to revisit what exactly had happened the period Sep-Dec and examine my actions, I was overwhelmed with guilt. What had I done? Honestly, all I wanted was to see her smile, and laugh, to help realize her potential, bring her out of the corner. I don’t know if the last was/is correct, but I do and still believe that spending these 4 years cooped up mostly in the room to be a real waste. I might be wrong, but I do have faith in my observational skills.

I’ll never see the mid-autumn festival in the same light again, or the full moon for that matter. Same for A&W. Christmas was rather unbearable too, and I really thank my 1Obn friends for coming over en masse on Christmas evening itself. It meant alot, and I’ll never forget it. Whatever I did back then is something I regret, a first regret in my 22 years so far. Regret for what I did to her, all the discomfort and possibly even her studies, despite my initial best intentions. In spite of all this, she has dealt with it with exceptional grace and understanding, and I am very grateful for it. I’ve always understood your character and personality, and also understand what you said under that full moon, but I’ve just been too stubborn all this while. I really do learn slowly at times.

Despite being rocked by this, I managed to maintain my grip over events unfolding in the club. I steered Graphite through to its triumphant conclusion, and make no apologies for what I had to do to make it successful. The rewards of its success did not go to me; it went to the club and established the club as one who could promise and deliver with quality, both in the industry and in the community. In those dark days preceding it though, I’ve to thank my vice-president for being so steadfast in her support, even re-scheduling her revision so as to be able to help out. Without her, I really would have collapsed under the sheer expectations and pressure from managing Graphite. My sincere thanks too, to her visiting friend, who, instead of getting a nice tour around Singapore, ended up traversing to Serangoon, Bedok and Suntec City just to help me with Graphite. I’ll never fully be able to express my gratitude, except to say that your presence made the difference. Amazing, what an extra pair of hands could do to help.

Not surprisingly, given the turmoil and stress, something had to give way: my studies. My CAP dropped, but I have to say that I got away with that kind of result, given the minimal effort I had been putting in. I don’t know what else to write about my academics, except to re-emphasize that I got lucky, once again.

I’ve learnt alot, through 2008. Given a choice though, unlike previous times, I’d like not to have gone through it, especially the second half of 2008. Not because I’m unsatisfied by what I’ve gained through it, but because it’s just too painful. I really understand now what my parents mean when they tell me that I should not learn things the “hard way”. That being said, despite all the unpleasant and pressurizing episodes, I’ve gained much more – closer ties with parents, with my original 1Obn besties, with my other girl-friends, and most importantly, I’ve regained myself without losing the self-confidence. Thank you, everyone, especially those that I’ve not mentioned here, because I’m trying to maintain anonymity as much as possible, so yeah, I haven’t forgotten you, from my pol science mates to my jc mates to the homesick SEP guy, and even to my past module mates.

With that, I close the door on 2008. Hopefully, when I look back on this post in a few years’ time, some outstanding issues have been settled in the best possible way, and I’ll read it with a silly grin on my face, rather than a sad smile.

What a long post this is.

This term caught my eye as I was doing a random search for songs/singers on youtube.

Lady Stardust reminds me of that book written by Neil Gaiman, a nice little novel with a modern/dark touch to it. Yvaine perhaps?

I’ve always looked up at the skies late in the evenings whenever I’m troubled, frustrated, or just… pensive.  Somehow, the cool night air, the serene surroundings always manages to provide a measure of comfort. What makes me smile however, is not so much when there is a full moon, but when I can see the stars, and count them.

I’ve never ever gone stargazing before, apart from the odd attempts from the beach chair beside my condo swimming pool late at night (or early in the morning). I’ve never been able to tell apart the difference between a star and a satellite, nor have I ever been able to spot the patterns of astrology in the sky, or the North Star from any other. Somehow, I just enjoy counting the stars as I see them. Ignorance is bliss I guess.

I’ve often wondered what would it be like, to be on another distant planet, viewing this galaxy’s only physical representation: the Sun, which would seem just like another weak star in the universe. Maybe I’ll still be wondering about the same thing. I’ve never ever seen a shooting star before too, but I wrote the only song based on a random inspiration about shooting stars.

I’ve always wanted to believe that with enough effort, with enough commitment, I’d always be able to triumph, able to engineer my own miracles. Yet, till now, I’ve yet to fulfil any of my dearest wishes, nor have I seen any shooting star streaking across the sky. I really hate to succumb to fate, but I’ve been taught, rather unkindly too at times, that there are greater forces at play, which is really out of my reach to comprehend.

This term, Lady Stardust, however, reminds me of a certain girl, who goes to bed before the sun sets, and wakes up when the night toils (sometimes) hard at preparation and revision. Imagine going to a ball with all the major stars, and you taking out your notes to study instead.

I fell alseep while pondering what to write next. As the stars swivel around the dance floor, stardust falls, and settles on everyone who are awake, including her. They continue to glitter for a short while, before going out totally. Has anything happened? Not in a tangible way, but then again, whenever I see her, unmistakably, she’s Lady Stardust.

This post goes out to you, lady. You know who you are. Thank you. =)

And I’ve also learnt that, handphones apparently cut the line after talking for just 1 hour over the phone.

It’s been a few days since I wrote that post, and I’d like to thank all who bothered to really talk to me seriously about it. Meant alot to me, so thanks a million!

I’ve been doing nothing much except sleeping, and watching TV, in a belated bid to recover. Through this period, I’ve also been reviewing the whole semester thus far over and over, and it’s been a sobering experience. Through this period, many things which I thought I had mastered unravelled before my eyes, and I had to rebuild them from scratch. My self-confidence took a battering too, I’ve not completely recovered, but I believe I will, and this time, it’d be tempered by a sense of maturity.

I entered this semester with a very nice gameplan: Club and academics. Having taken on the presidency, I realized that I was already entering unchartered territories. Way out of my comfort zone. As such, I told myself to focus, and to hold off everything else, including relationships, until I managed to juggle both club and studies well. Those reading this entry would know that it never materialized. For whatever reason, I ended up liking someone, and against my plans, I decided to take action, and had to spend the rest of the semester then trying to cope with the fallout, together with club and academics.

Since JC, I’ve oftened wondered what it meant to love someone. Through the subsequent years I approached it logically; believing that being attracted irrationally only meant having a crush, while liking someone meant you appreciated his/her good qualities, and finally loving someone meant accepting him/her totally, faults included. I guess what I went through subsequently was a sobering experience which proved that I was correct, but only partially. Logic can only explain it so far; I remember there were many times where logic told me to do something, only for my emotions to colour my perception, and I ended up doing something else. Above all there’s something I did that I’ll always regret, because that was done with the intention of hurting, and the subsequent guilt has always haunted me, regardless of whether I did actually cause hurt (in fact, that’s irrelevant). This semester, I’ve mentioned on many occasions that I’ve finally found someone who could read my mind; and subsequently, added to it, that that someone completed me. If anyone were to ask me why, I’d be unable to reply, but I guess it’s through those interactions we had, those glimpses, that gave me that feeling. Yes, love is logical, but it’s more than logical I guess.

I’ve done many things for this girl this semester, things I’ve never actually dared to do previously. I’ve tried very hard, over the past 2 months, to narrow the gap, to break down that wall. There were glimpses, but all in all, I never got very far. It really takes 2 hands to clap, and if the other doesn’t want to, sooner or later, I’d have to recognise and respect her wishes. It’s not as if I’m giving up, very much to the contrary. I still like you alot, more than when I first told you that I did, but rather than to continue to try, I believe it’s time to hold still and to wait, as I promised you then. Anytime you want to reach out, my hand will always be there. But until then, I’ll wait, patiently and continue to look out for you, silently.

It’s a bit too late to rescue my semester, but there’s still time, and I’m glad that I still had enough strength in me back then to at least survive through the majority of the presentations and term papers relatively unscathed. In addition, despite the distractions, the club seems to be doing alright. The situation isn’t too bad, after all, thanks to all my project mates, and to those assisting me at the club. There are of course concerns at the back of my head, especially things like my career prospects, family’s financial situation and expectations on me, but I’ll manage, somehow.

I wish I’d never have to go through something like this semester again, but I don’t regret it, especially when I’ve learnt, and matured so much. Not to mention finally understanding what it means to really like someone.

I’m still wondering who exactly reads my blog.