silens-silentium

I really don’t know what I’m doing anymore.

I’m tired to my bones, and while I’m not exactly sick yet I don’t know how long I can keep up.

I don’t look sick? Of course I don’t, or haven’t, because I can’t. I always reassure people that I’d be fine with some rest, but I haven’t been getting any. Is this a rant? Sure it is, because I’m sick of everything, and I just want to retreat into my comfort zone right now.

I guess I’ve been an idiot for consistently trying to bang down a huge wall with my head, and the result? Constant migraines, headaches, and backaches. I doubt there are even scratches on the wall to show for my efforts.

I sometimes wish I could have just given up after what happened last month, which of course would never have happened, no matter how many times I’m allowed to relive it. What happened was the exact opposite; I started liking you even more. Even now, I still like you very, very much, but I’m so tired.

I’ve always known that taking up position of president would have repercussions on my social life, which is why I hesitated for so long. There were certain things that I would definitely have done/not done were I not the president, which might/might not have changed things, but the fact remains that I feel very guilty about it. Necessity is not a mitigating factor; it’s just a scar that I’ll have to live with.

All this while, I’ve been hoping that somehow I’d see a spark somewhere. I’ve gone on the initiative for over 2 months now, but till now it’s always been one way. From lunches to even initiating conversations, it’s always me. I’ve always thought that perhaps it’s the personality, the character, that you were just passive. Still, it can’t be totally one-way forever.

I’m really tired, I don’t know what to do anymore. I guess I’ll stop till I see some form of initiative from you. In fact, I don’t even know if you’re talking to me all this while purely because I am the president, and it’s this possibility that hurts the most.

I’ve disabled comments for this post; if anyone would like to talk to me about it, there’s always MSN, email or gtalk.

After 5 weeks of blundering around, it’s time to get my act in order. I’ve decided to impose a 14 day mugging schedule, to catch up with my modules and do research for my papers.

It hasn’t been a smooth-sailing semester. That much I knew, when I approached the start of the academic year with a sense of lethargy rather that the firm determination of the past semester. First club intervened, then love. I’ve been running around trying to get the club in order, and trying (but failing) to take a step forward in my love life. I guess I’ve been trying to bite off too much.

I’ve been moping around the past few days, doing nothing but agonizing over what next to do with her. Which is stupid, because I know the answer: Continue as things once were before the tumultous events of last week. In addition, she has papers and mid-term tests to study for, not to mention the already rigorous academic schedule and, from what I heard, the rather high standard of the class she is in. No matter what, studies must always come first for now. Still, she’s leaving Singapore this Friday, and I guess I’ll be missing her somewhat. It’s only for a week or so though.
She’s a rather reticient person though; doesn’t really talk much online (maybe because it’s me and the things I talk about), looks rather pensive and thoughtful most of the time, while laughing at our silly jokes the rest of the time. I like to make her smile, I like to see her smile. In addition, she really seems to understand me, work or otherwise.

No matter, while I failed to get the answer I really wanted, to be truthful, I never really expected that answer. By the time I asked, I knew that I’d really gone into overdrive, and that I was just… not thinking. At least though, I managed to clear (somewhat) the awkward situation that I got myself into, and we’re talking fine again. At least we’re not talking about going straight back to zero, even though she’s much quieter on MSN. I’m just imagining things I guess.

I’m not going to think about it anymore. I’ll just box it up, and store it away for now, and start focusing once more on the crucial issues: my studies. Until the mid-terms are over, no more getting distracted and fretting over things which I have no control of. I have an obligation to my parents to continue maintaining my Dean’s List, and applying for a scholarship.

I have to make it clear that I’m not giving up though; it’s more of reverting to the old approach, after being tricked into going overdrive. As I told someone; I’m not going to give her up so easily, nor am I content to watch, broken-heartedly, at the sidelines because of a steadfast refusal to jeopardize the friendship. There might never be another like her again.
14 Day Mugging Schedule: Day 1 results.